A Minimalist Refocus for Our Life

Image from Pinterest.

So....I've always been one with a heart toward minimalism. Some of this derives from my environmental tendencies that is based on the belief that we don't need all.the.things that marketing tries to convince us to need. Some of this is based on the health outcomes of just living more simply, with less to muddle our minds, our houses, our bodies, our relationships etc. Some of this is based on the various reading and research I did in my early 20s regarding simpler and more natural living.

Yet, while I rarely have issues with downsizing my THINGS or simplifying ITEMS, anyone who knows me would probably report that I am consistently known for STRIVING toward MORE in my life via ACHIEVEMENT. This usually means day dreams, research, or planning about the type of house I'd like to eventually own, the next degree I'd like to obtain, the next stage my child will be in, the next trip I'd like us to take, and generally where I'd like life to be in the next 1-5 years. While this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing, as it means I'm constantly trying to push myself toward a better version of myself and I like to be moving life forward in some form..... it does become exhausting, it can be a waste of time, and it does usually lead toward some level of dissatisfaction with the present. When I'm consistently focusing on where I want life to be rather than where life is, then I'm not really being fully present, nor am I practicing gratitude for what I already have, nor am I fully trusting that the right doors will open as they should in the future. 

Dissatisfaction is one of my biggest personal struggles, even when I have so incredibly much to be grateful for in my life. I am incredibly privileged both within the US and from a global scale. I have more than enough food to eat, a loving home that we share with my parents, a large loving family and an incredible social network. We have numerous opportunities to spend quality time together, to engage in the hobbies we love, to appreciate the days we're growing old in. Yet how often have I found myself wishing we were back in our own home or living on property, or that I'd done x, y or z faster or sooner (even when I know the time wasn't right). Even though where we are RIGHT NOW is the absolute best setting for everyone. 

Thus when I saw the second to last line in this meme shared above (LET GO OF ATTACHMENT TO DOING, HAVING MORE) it truly hit home for me. My son and I, we have enough. We're quite content and while our current situation may not fit the norm of society, it's what's best for both of us RIGHT NOW. 

It also pushed me to truly reflect upon the life that I've lived and how much is left to live. Why am I striving when there might be so many years left to accomplish that which weighs on my heart? Why not trust that each of those doors will open in their own right time and location? Why not truly trust that we really are where we are to be for right now? 

Based on my family history, unless some fluke occurs or the world ends :), more than likely I'm just a few years into my second third or second fourth of my life. The first quarter was spent doing all the things I was "supposed to do" and yet even then I felt that I hadn't accomplished enough. I spent my 25th birthday feeling like I hadn't arrived to where I wanted to be, even though by 26 I had two masters degrees, had completed my undergrad in three years, and had traveled or lived in several countries. The next decade brought a failed and short marriage, much domestic and international travel, an immense amount of self-taught outdoor skills and experiences, intense self-awareness and growth, finding my professional niche, and the arrival of an adorable baby boy who seems to take after his always striving mother :) To say that there has been an overwhelming amount of life lived in this first 1/3ish of life, leaves me being okay with again trying to slow down and appreciate this middle third of life. 

With so much under my belt and so much left to live, it's truly time for me to embrace a new level of minimalism (and to set the example for my son) that while it's important to push yourself forward, it's equally important to BE PRESENT and FULLY ENJOY the journey. There (hopefully) is plenty of time to enjoy the items on the "to do" list that remain, and for now, it's most important to just delight in the journey, trusting that the doors we need for now will remain open, and enjoying the opportunity to appreciate these important years together. 

Minimalism....to a whole new level. :)

A Year Later

The best of intentions. That statement alone could summarize my life as a hit or miss blogger, but that's also part of being authentic.

Motherhood has been a bit of a rough transition for me, for us. Yes there have been LOTS of incredible moments along the way of this first year (many of which I plan to post about here), but there were also so many moments of frustration, exhaustion, and worry. We, my son and I, are so incredibly fortunate to be blessed with my parents, who took the majority of this first year of my son's life to fully support (and in some cases even live) with us.

Now don't get me wrong...I didn't expect that becoming a single parent would be a cake walk. By no means did I have that expectation. But what I didn't expect at all, fully struggled with, became depleted by, and still sometimes get frustrated by is the amount of challenges that my little guy had to deal with during this first year of life. We had colic for five months. (Translate to: 1.5-3 hours of inconsolable crying every night; frequently between 11pm and 3am...none of which you can "fix"). He had severe reflux for 10 months. (Translate to: major spit-ups somewhere between oh 15-30+ each day; sometimes wiping out three outfits in one day AND generally enough to go through 5-8 spit up rags each day). He had food sensitivities from birth. (Translate to: extremely restricted mama diet while trying to breastfeed, restricted dietary items even though he so desperately wanted to eat real foods from 4 months on). And to be totally honest, if ADHD existed in babies, he might be a poster child for it. He's been highly alert since birth, generally fought naps, only tolerated periods of inactivity (ie the swing, a bouncer, a carseat) for about 20 minutes on average or 40 minutes max, and could "keep going strong" until 10-11pm most nights (although he then starts his day way later than the average baby).

This mama also had major work/life transitions happening. My full-time professor position suddenly lost funding 2 weeks before I was to come back from short-term disability. I was asked to apply for a newly created administrative level position, was granted that position, still was asked to teach my regular load, and faced unexpected opposition in my new position. At this same time, I realized that my body was not going to physically bounce back as I'd hoped and I continued to feel chronic fascia tension and muscular pain. I regained all the baby weight I'd lost and felt almost continuous low level pain.

Add all of little man's challenges with mama's challenges and you've basically got a recipe for disaster...... OR you can allow all of this to be the opportunity to make some major changes toward restoring balance. Being who I am I chose the later. If there's one thing I learned early in my 20s, it's that NO amount of pay or recognition or ease is worth your health or your sanity or your family.

At 6 months postpartum, I had started noticing the signs for postpartum depression, recognized how much of a toll it was on my mother to provide so much childcare, and decided it was time to make a major change for all of us. At 8 months postpartum, I officially resigned from the new position with the intention of returning to a more flexible adjunct status at both of my original institutions. I'd also begun acupuncture and had seen a few improvements from structural integration massage sessions. My son and I were starting to hit a regular rhythm, his colic was over and his reflux was improving, and we were finally back to doing long weekends and stretches on our own. As a highly independent person, I was throwing my hands up in the air in celebration.....

.....and then came the flu---ha! And if you had the flu this year then you know what a butt kicker it was. Luckily, my son was able to go to my parents so he avoided it, but I was home with a fever for 5 days. It was the first time in my teaching life that I had to request a sub for two class sessions in a row. And it took THREE weeks to even somewhat recover my energy. During that final "recovery" week, Max came down with a "slight" cold....and we took a trip to visit my friend in Arizona, which led to both of us coming back fully sick and requiring at least two more weeks to somewhat recover energy levels. So you could say that most of January and February became a "wash." HA!

The best of intentions..... (noticing a theme here?!)....

About this time, I finally sucked up my pride and realized for the 100th time that well, I couldn't truly do this single mother thing on my own and it was time to make the care of my son easier for everyone. Thus I made the decision to officially move to Salem, which is the area where my parents and most of my siblings live and makes the most sense as my parents are still providing childcare for my son and his second cousin. The process of moving out of the home I'd been in for seven years was a bit of an emotional release, although there's still many physical items to still wade through. :)

There's still much in the air for this coming year that's ahead and much to decide for the next 3-4 years to come after that, but all things considered the move is feeling like the right decision. I'm still teaching the subjects I love and happily enjoy a 1.5 hour 1-2x a week commute through country roads. For  now, I'm still mentoring the students I love to mentor (mainly online). And we're fully enjoying the opportunity to explore new surroundings and spend more time with our family.

Two weeks ago, we celebrated Max's 1st birthday. And while this first year has been eventful and testing, it's held so many beautiful moments as well. I've had the opportunity to watch my baby grow and his development never fails to impress and astound me. I've seen his personality show and laughed at how many ways he is so much a personality twin of his mother (oh my!). The final week of the move, Max started sleeping through the night semi-regularly (and we also started cosleeping). So far, my little one seems to love the outdoors as much as I do. He's just starting to walk and took his first "hike" toddling 15 feet over creeks feeding into waterfalls. A moment that's sure to exist in my memory logs for years to come.

The challenges of the first year were many, the challenges that are ahead are also many. But some lessons, like always, re-emerged. After spending 3 years fully restoring myself to 100% independence, I've learned that sometimes I need to be okay with some codependency and just be grateful for the willingness of others to help us. I learned that I truly can't do it all on my own. I was reminded that good intentions don't always pan out. I was reminded that seasons of life that seem insurmountable always pass. I was grateful for family. I was grateful for baby smiles. I was grateful for the best therapy I know: the outdoors. I was grateful for the opportunity to alter my employment options to increase my flexibility, allow me to return toward more of what I enjoy teaching, AND creating more time with my son, more time for occasional self-care, and more time for rest.

In the midst of challenge....I was and still am.....ultimately grateful. And now that the majority of this stage of challenge has passed...I'm continuing to look forward to knowing and enjoying this little boy who I get to call my son. What a beautiful, wild, and incredible son he is.