2016: The Year

While there are still several weeks til the official end of this year, I've been itching for this year to be at an end since oh about February. Throughout the year I had several conversations with friends who felt the same way about this year just sort of having lots of weird pieces to it.

But as I sit here on my couch, the Christmas tree all aglow, snow falling outside, it seems like a perfect time to review the last 11.5 months. As of today I should be done with my work needs for the year, but due to the funny weather (also a theme of the year: heat wave in April, cooler summer, early snow in Dec) I have yet to wrap things up....and that's okay. It'll all get done...and that is also a theme of this year....patience, understanding, time, & continued grace.

My actual goals for this year were:
850 hiking & running miles
Acupuncture at least once a month
Work on my fear of horses
Pay off credit card & car loan
Take GRE & apply to PhD programs
Work on Spanish tenses
Start 3rd language
Travel: new in & out of country
Kayak camping trip
Run a race in another state
Save $$ & work on student loans

What actually came to be:

Finances & Future: Thanks to working two jobs this year, the car just got paid off, the credit card got paid off, my student loan continued to be worked on, I was solely financially independent for the first time in years (no renters), and I paid for several unexpected car repairs, vet bills, & 3 travel outings. I also met with two local PhD programs, researched many others, decided not to take the GRE, and finally ended up applying for one local program.

Language: I learned more Swahili this summer and continued to utilize my Spanish, but not to the degree I had hoped. But still better than nothing...and both of these hopefully will increase as I plan to expose the kid to both languages.

Mileage: As of July's travels, I was on track to make my mileage goal but got derailed by the nausea & continual exhaustion of the pregnancy. By the end of September, I probably had 600 miles on the year....and if I was still tracking would probably end the year around 650. I also did not run a race in another state (and while I still could probably sneak one in, I'm okay with this), I did train for & run a half-marathon in July and I did go on jogs/hikes in 3 other countries & 3-4 other states. Good enough :)

Health: Beyond the "set backs" of pregnancy, I had chronic bronchitis again this last winter/spring and a running injury that set in during the half. I took most of the spring to bring my body back up to nutritional par and left the country this summer feeling the best I had in months (minus the knee). I had one acupuncture session in Tanzania, several massages, and I've had routine chiropractic care this fall. I also had all my regular exams finally caught back up this year....and of course now I'm routinely monitored monthly with the pregnancy.

Travels: This is where in hindsight I had the biggest outcomes and I crossed several items off the life goal list. In April, I went to a work conference on the east coast and spent an additional week exploring DC with a friend, road tripping through Vermont/New Hampshire/Maine, and finally meeting fellow blogger Heather. I managed 2 trips to Central Oregon: one in April to camp at my favorite spot with the dogs and one this fall in which I solo hiked a trail that's been on my list for years. In June, I took the dogs on a "last hurray before working full time" backpacking outing to the Wallowas in Eastern Oregon and also visited some of my family over there. In July, we took 16 students and three of us faculty to Tanzania for work. On my way back from that trip I spent a weekend visiting my host sister in Munich and then explored Ireland for a week. In September, two of my gals and I had a great weekend revisiting New Orleans and seeing a lot of the sites I hadn't been able to see previously. In reality, this week I was to be back in Argentina with students, but due to concerns of the controversial Zika that was scratched.

Socially: This was the year that I reconnected with several more old friends and I also feel like I've been able to settle into my extensive friendship network a bit more. I finally made time to reconnect with 2 separate high school buddies who used to be like family, visited with an old military spouse friend in DC, finally met Heather in Maine, hosted a 20+ friend dinner in April, hosted some of my oldest friends this summer, reconnected with an old high school and an old college friend this fall, visited family members I hadn't seen in years, met friends kids I had yet to meet in over a year, fished twice with an old buddy, finally managed a girls getaway weekend trip, and this coming week I'll host an old military contact I haven't seen since we lived in Louisiana. Some of my current relationships have changed but truthfully this is the first time in a long time that I have felt settled into the wonderful and insane amount of great connections that I am blessed to have...and I'm so grateful those connections just keep growing!

Transitions: Obviously the two biggest transitions of the year are that a) I switched over to full-time rather than adjunct positions and b) I became pregnant. Both have switched life over in big  ways and will continue to do so. The work transition came at a good time but has been an adjustment....and may adjust back for the next academic year. The pregnancy has been life altering but is probably more of a positive adjustment than I've yet to realize...it's heading life in some more solid directions for sure.

I also learned several important lessons this year. I learned to be even more independent than I was before, I let several relationships naturally transition, I learned to not attempt to control life as much as I want in the big things (but that sometimes it's ok to control the little things), I learned that things can be scary but we have to keep moving forward, I learned that every aspect of life is its own season, and I learned that sometimes what you expect to be fabulous just isn't. I had several moments of apprehension, several moments of joy, several moments of fear, several moments of unease and frustration, several cry fests, several moments of strength, and lots of moments of compassion. This was the year that I reconnected to life vision, re-examined (again) what's important, relished the people in my life, and realized that after all my searching Oregon truly is home. This was a year where while I actively made lots happen, in many ways I felt more like an observer in my own life, watching the scenes unfold and watching others reactions. This was also the year where I felt like my teaching created some life impacting change and that is something I'm relishing but still processing.

Much is on the radar for 2017 and while I'm nervous about some of those changes, I'm attempting to remain as trusting as possible that they will turn out okay. And even with as apprehensive as I am for this next year, I'm still absolutely ready for this year of 2016 to close :)

And for the first time in years, I don't know that I intend to really have many goals for this next year beyond: adjusting to being a mom, attempting to physically normalize as next year progresses, and making sure that my/our financial & health needs are taken care of. If I get into the PhD program then there will be some changes for sure. If I don't, well there will still be changes and decisions on the horizon. There's also a potential trip to Colorado for my nephew's high school graduation on the docket....and I'm daydreaming of actually being able to afford one more dream trip sometime next year or at least a road trip with the kiddo....but we'll see. All of next year is about being flexible while attempting to make the best decisions possible for the future.

But here's to what hopefully will be a safe, happy, healthy, stabilizing end to 2016 for all of us....and to a fulfilling, healthy, happy, safe, rewarding, and grounding 2017 ahead!

Legacy

As this fall term comes to a conclusion, our students in the health course at the community college are asked to view Randy Pausch's Last Lecture and to reflect upon what it means to leave a legacy.

In thinking about a legacy, how exactly might we define it? Well according to that good old Merriam-Webster internet dictionary, the term LEGACY can be defined as:

1. a gift by will especially of money or other personal property: bequest 
2. something transmitted or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past; ex. the legacy of the ancient philosophers 

This notion of legacy, purpose, future is one that has been on my mind much of the time lately, albeit unconsciously at times. 

In the weeks after the results of the election, many have voiced the need and concern to ACTIVELY engage in citizenship in order to create change. This is in fact, something I voiced in my post reflecting upon the outcome of the election, as my concerns for the state of our environment, my concerns for our human relationships, and my concerns for our own health statuses leaves me incredibly anxious regarding the future that our planet and any future generations are headed in. Ironically, while I have always "worked on" these issues, there is of course something about becoming pregnant that makes it all much more personal AND leaves me more concerned about the personal legacy and thus example I am leaving upon this planet and for my child. 

Equally ironically, while all of my friends have been supportive about my pregnancy, there were several who in the very beginning upon hearing the news, mentioned that the pregnancy might be just the thing I actually needed to further light a fire and provide a bit more purpose for the future direction of my life. From what I'm seeing, their words were probably fairly foretelling..... While the last few years were full of wonderful learning experiences between sharing housing with various souls, training myself to engage in endurance athletics, refinding my foundation, making great headway on financial pay-offs, and exploring new parts of the United States and the world, I was frequently unsure of just what that next step should be and in what direction I should move toward.

NOW however there is more purpose in sight. This life is not about (and truthfully never was) about just me, but sometimes it's been exhausting to think about how to best utilize granted gifts. There is this great quote that has been on my mind for years and that has been based in this same notion:

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and I could say, "I used everything that you gave me." - Erma Bombeck

Heading toward motherhood reminds me that I'm going to be exhausted anyway....so I might as well utilize that exhaustion well and teach my son how to leave a positive impact on the various people and environments he comes across. 

I also have been reading MANY books lately, but one that I just reread was Jane Goodall's Reason for Hope. Goodall is someone who I find to be truly inspiring. She is someone who sees the world as I see it, who accomplished much through relationships, and who lives her life with pure authenticity. She has left a phenomenal legacy upon many individuals, organizations, and animals....and upon this earth. 

The same could be said for MLK, Rosa Parks, Gandhi, and many of the inspiring individuals we learned in our school systems who gave their lives in big and small ways for peace, human rights, & equality. The same could be said for Catherine Hamlin who gave up her safe upbringing to fill a health need in rural Africa, for Paul Farmer who has saved the lives of many through his medical career here in the US while developing and leading Partners in Health to save the lives of many throughout the world, for Margaret Mead who changed the lives of many "underdeserving" and raised awareness of social justice. 

And the same could be said for many of the individuals who we interact with on a daily basis:

For example, the various individuals I've interacted with over the years has been forefront on my mind as I have toyed with many, many potential names for my child. Bestowing a name upon a child is a much more challenging decision than I ever would have imagined (even though prior to this I was so good at coming up with all sorts of great ideas for others!), and in essence is almost like bestowing a legacy upon your child. While the name I have selected is still in flux dependent upon the child's personality and how he appears at birth, it is a name that bestows great honor and legacy upon him. As I thought about who I hope that my child will be, I consistently was drawn to three of the males in my life who I hold most dear and respect highly for their hearts, their wisdom, how they have treated others, their selflessness, their family oriented tendencies, and their work ethic. Although I will only use two of these names in theory, I hope that my child naturally displays the tendencies and traits of all three of these incredible men.  All three of these men left legacies on my own life and I in turn want to share that gift with my son so that through his own life he may be able to share those legacies with the world in his own way. 

Another example is that the longer I am in academia, the more I reflect upon the incredible instructors and experiences I was fortunate to have over the years. I can still vividly remember many of the life-impacting experiences and lessons from my undergraduate, graduate, and even high school education. Every term as a professor, I try to channel their wisdom and knowledge, as I develop and re-develop my courses in an effort to leave similar lessons and to create similar experiences for my own students. Some terms this seems more successful than others....such as this one when it has been an absolute joy to read some of the reflections my graduate students have produced and to learn of how much the material has impacted their lives, perceptions, and potentially their future work. If I am at all fortunate to leave even a small piece of a legacy through the facilitating of knowledge, I will feel that it has been worth it. 

It is also this desire to create a positive legacy that has pushed me to apply for a PhD program so I can further my academic reach and try to get my foot back in the door with research; that has me re-educating myself on so many topics and switching toward utilizing my purchasing power in ways that better support the ideals I believe in; that has me contacting legislators on issues of importance to me and researching ways to further share my voice on these topics; that has me deciding which volunteer options I will be engaging with in the coming years, which committees and conferences to attend & participate with; which organizations to send additional money; and that has me focused on the daily decisions I make to review ways to further improve my choices. I also in the last few weeks honed in on the end goal  of the "next step" and this visualization has helped me move forward with many of the actions, research, and choices I've made in the weeks since then. It's also helping me to blend all of my hopes and dreams into one. And even though I can see how and where it could all come together I'm still remembering to abide by two of my most favorite life quotes: 

"Make plans....but make them in pencil." --Unknown 

and

"Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst." --Unknown (although attributed to several in various forms)

Because even our best made plans frequently have unforseen circumstances and life sometimes has other plans for us. I might not ever get a PhD and that's ok. I might not ever own property...and somehow that's ok. I might not ever fully get out of debt....and that's ok. I might change directions fully based on the circumstances that life offers and the skills it asks for me to share....and that's ok. What's of importance is that I live as close to my values as possible and that I try to leave this world a better place for the planet and for the future generations that may have the opportunity (and the challenge) to live upon it. I want to be more a part of the solution than a part of the problem.

But I'm always interested....what's the legacy you are living and/or hoping to leave behind??

Oh the Preparations...And We're So Blessed

I'm just going to start out by saying that this child.....is blessed. Already, even before he arrives, he has had SO MANY in my life extend their hands to shower him with love and support. While we have much that is left unknown about the coming year, there are no doubts in my life that we are and will be absolutely surrounded by an incredible network of love. 

Several months ago, in my process of well, processing, and accepting an unexpected pregnancy, I decided to re-arrange the house to create space for the baby. While my general plan is to engage in co-sleeping and have the baby sleep on the other side of my bed, I still wanted him (we now know that it's a him) to have a space of his own. On a weekend day when I was able to scoop together a few hours of actual energy, I rearranged almost every room in the house and started creating a space for baby boy based on odds and ends I already had around the home. 

The chest of drawers? Thrifted years ago by my mom. It's been hanging out in my closet and now holds 3 months worth of hand-me-down clothes from my nephew's baby and hand-me-down receiving blankets from my coworker's kids.

The sheep skin on top? Will make a great changing pad once covered with an old towel, is hypoallergenic, washable, and has been in our family for decades (my aunt brought it back from a trip to Australia).

The Ikea chair that luckily bounces? Thrifted five years ago by my ex, recovered in thoroughly washed outdoor/indoor material by my aunt, and tossed with a thrifted knitted throw.

In the closet? My old childhood shelf full of additional hand-me-down clothes for 3-6 months, thrifted shoes, hand-me-down breast pumps, left over nursing pads & items from gal pals, and a few wood toys and books. A hand-me-down scrubbed & washed infant to booster car seat and a used REI infant hiking pack from my college gal friend. A bag of (newly purchased) glass bottles. Two hand-me-down wraps from my coworker and a larger carrier from my nephew. A bin full of old wood blocks for eventual play times.

That box on the floor? Hand-me-down cloth diapers. I intend to mainly use the Portland-based Tidee Didee Diaper Service though and have an account started with them. One of my local gal friends is making re-usable cloth wipes. (Based on advice from my naturopathic colleague, I also tend to use Naty (compostable disposable) diapers that have reduced chemicals for travel, etc and some chlorine free disposable wipes). 

The basket on the side? Hand-me-down and homemade burp clothes, and I plan to go through my stained kitchen towel stash in the garage to add to it. Mom is also making bibs and a few more burp clothes from fabric she has on hand.

On the walls? The elephant print was painted by one of my high school friend's father and I purchased it from him several years ago. The safari animal mobile was purchased on this summer's trip to Tanzania. The phrase sign and the picture frames have both been hanging in my house for several years already.

The newest additions to the room within the last month include the crib.....purchased used from online, super easy to set-up, and included sheets. The bassinet in the corner loved both my cousin's babies and her husband... and will eventually make it's way into my (small) master bedroom. The bassinet removes from the stand and might actually go on the bed next to me to ensure the animals can't roll over the little man.

The only other "major" thing to purchase is a used Bob jogging stroller. I have been eyeballing them on Craigslist and already have the cash set aside for it, but will wait until it's closer to get one.

I did create a very small registry with toxic free wood toys, multiracial children's books, the disposable diapers & wipes, and safer personal care products etc mainly because I've had requests from additional people who want to give something. There's also a registry on the diaper delivery service and one of my relatives is going to set up a meal delivery calendar that people can participate in. 

I'm truthfully hoping to forgo an actual baby shower (my female relatives and I have been discussing a post delivery local wine tour instead), as I tend to struggle with too much attention on just me at these types of events....and I tend to struggle with receiving items that are unnecessary or uh, toxic :) I'm not trying to be ungrateful....but baby showers and many of the items that are gifted have always set me on...edge....

For instance, there are many additional hand-me-down toys available as well, but I'm also trying to be mindful of plastic exposures (and mouthing). Generally speaking there are still wood or cloth varieties of most toys available and I'm hopeful that he mainly engages with toys of this nature...at least in the beginning. While plastic has its purposes (and is impossible to fully get away from it), many of these items also contain chemicals that can off-gas and/or be ingested by babies. While most toys no longer are made from BPA, there's usually a new chemical in its place that we don't know the longer term effects of...and phalates and vinyl can be used in plastic items as well.

Additionally, one of my main reasons for wanting mostly used items is the fact that it uses less resources versus continually producing new items (thereby decreasing consumerism and the overall environmental footprint)...and truthfully used items tend to have already had the ability to off-gas or wear off some of the initial potentially toxic residues. When a baby only uses items for so short a time period, it makes more sense to just re-use furniture, clothing, linens, diapers, etc.

Over this past weekend, I also investigated safer baby personal care products (using Environmental Working Group's Skin Deep database), re-enrolled myself in Organics To You which is an organic produce delivery service (I need to get much more mindful about pesticide exposures again), and ordered some additional Oregon based natural personal care products for myself and the baby (Wild Carrots Herbals based out of Enterprise, OR (NE Oregon) and the Etsy shop of EarthMineralCosmetic based out of Grants Pass, OR). 

While I'm trying to investigate and make the "healthiest" choices possible for the little one, I recognize that the best made plans tend to go awry :) He could decide he won't breastfeed, he might sleep better in his own room, I might get so tired that I only eat crap food, and the list goes on and on. And truthfully, chemical exposures are unavoidable....I'm just hoping to lessen the burden that is initially upon him (the average newborn baby already has a body burden load of 180 toxins in its cord blood)....and to be mindful of trying to make choices that both lighten the load for the environment he's headed into and increase the potential that he'll have a healthier life ahead.

While it's been incredible to take count of all the thrifted/gifted/hand-me-down items, we've already been blessed with.....The thing I'm most grateful for however is the amazing supportive network we have surrounding us: the love that is shared, the advice that is offered, the excitement that has flowed, the acceptance that has been unconditional (even toward my hippy, healthy ways), and the fact that this child will arrive into a strong tribe of men and women who believe in him and are working to create a happier, healthier, fuller future for him to live within. 

So now here's to the next 4.5 months of relaxing, hopefully not stressing, sleeping as much as I can, saving as much as I can, growing what I hope will be a healthy, outdoor loving baby...and just plain being mindful of the many blessings that already are so apparent in this happy, healthy, full life.

Thanks for being part of this journey 💕

Catching Up Over Coffee.....

If we were to meet up for a cup of coffee (which I so gladly relish these days after not being able to stomach a cup for 14 solid weeks)......

....I would first want to know how you are doing. What's been going on in your life? What's on your heart? What are you pondering? What are your worries? And how are the details of your life unfolding?

...you might remark over the fact that there's no hiding my pregnancy any longer. At just about 20 weeks, I no longer fit in my original pants, my breast size is at least a cup larger, my body fat stores are higher, and there's a definite wide bump that now looks like more than just a few extra packages of cookies on my waistline. I'd probably tell you that overall I'm feeling better although there is the occasional day that leaves me laying on the floor of my office due to light-headedness and I'm still always tired. I'd also tell you just how grateful I am for the great diversity of maternity clothes that have been loaned by 2-3 of my dear gals and purchased new-to-me by my dear mother. Beyond picking up a few more staple items, I'm already pretty much set with a solid wardrobe for both work and regular activities. It never fails that feeling good externally also impacts a level of feeling good internally.

...because you know me, you might ask about my physical activity level. I'd probably share that I'm barely sweating these days, although I'm trying to be mindful of walking the dogs several times a week and getting in one (3ish mile) hike on the weekends. I am truly hoping to get up to the snow at least 1-2x this winter in order to go snowshoeing. In my mind, I envisioned trying to run consistently throughout my pregnancy and continuing to be very physically active, however I'm actually feeling okay with just being pretty gentle with my body and conserving energy as I can to get through longer days.

...I might tell you about how I'm still working both jobs, which means that I teach on Tuesday evenings and spend at least one weekend day grading. After a stressful last year, I'm probably also share that I'm feeling pretty fortunate regarding the group of students this year and the courses I'm teaching. I plan to continue teaching both jobs through next term and then will mainly be working from home for just my full-time position in spring. However there is much in the air regarding work for the coming year, mainly due to me not being sure that I can work a full-time schedule when I know I can't afford full-time child care. I'm trying not to stress about it and am seeing what options present as it gets closer.

....In good financial news, I just re-paid my credit card off, will have my car fully paid off next month, and will hopefully (barring any usual car issues, medical issues, unexpected expenses that can always arise) have a bit saved by the time the little one arrives. There's still one large debt that will still now be hanging over my head for at least the next 5-10 years, but at least financially things are "seeming" manageable.

...In relation to that I might also tell you that I'm halfway through the application process for the next level needed for my schooling, aka potentially returning for a doctorate. I'm not sure that next fall is the best timing nor if I will be accepted/funded, but if I want to continue in academia then a PhD is a requirement of the profession. More on this......later.

...I might also tell you that Major (the cat) has a love affair with this child and I'm already brainstorming ways to ensure that he doesn't attempt to sleep curled up next to the baby upon its arrival. For several weeks, he literally slept right next to the fetus...and now he's transitioned to sleeping on all the items in the baby's room. Ha!

....while Major is pretty intuitive, the dogs have yet to seem to notice too many changes. And Roxi is currently battling skin allergies that I'm trying to home remedy. (Some of her allergies seem to be stress induced, so it might be that she actually is cognizant of some changes and isn't adjusting well...)

....I'd probably tell you that best bud is finally heading back to the Portland area for what might be a few months. While he might not be crashing in the guest room during all that time, I'm still looking forward to having at least a few regular hours of uncontrollable belly laughter and being able to bounce thoughts around with someone who truly gets me, knows how to uplift me, and yet isn't afraid to hurt my feelings if needed.

....I might also tell you that I've been spending time re-immersing in some of my grad school literature and environmental health topics. I just finished re-reading Sandra Steingraber's Having Faith, which was a hugely impactful book for me to read several years ago. I'd forgotten some of the research she shares regarding toxic exposures and child health outcomes, but the book is also fascinating just due to her review of the development changes that occur within the fetus. (She's an biologist/ecologist, who gets pregnant, discusses the pregnancy, and also reviews some of the major environmental concerns impacting health outcomes across the globe.) It would not be the best thing for a pregnant woman who had no knowledge of these topics to read during her pregnancy, but I truly feel it's a book and a topic that more people need to be aware about. (Such as, the average newborn is born with 180 toxins in his/her cord blood....) I also just picked up her other two books: Living Downstream (her first book looking at cancer outcomes based on exposures) and Raising Elijah (raising kids in a toxic world). Since I'd never officially read it, I also picked up Rachel Carson's Silent Spring.

...I'd probably also tell you that I just read most of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. (She's a national midwifery and natural childbirth guru.) This book was referred to me by many of my friends. I belong to a circle of incredible women of all types but many of my friends & family have delivered naturally. While I fully support natural childbirth, I'm not going to lie that now that it's here I'm a bit on the fence even knowing some of the issues and challenges that the medications available can bring. Reading through Ina May's book was uplifting and did give me much to think about and brainstorm on this topic (including some additional strategies to assist with natural labors). While a few pieces seemed "out there" and there were a few statistics that seemed to be presented slightly off, I appreciated the information within the second half of the book. (The first half is full of personal stories that I appreciate but found cumbersome also.) If you have delivered a baby, I might also ask for your input on why you made the choices you did and how it went? (I seem to be asking everyone this question :))

....if you're like many of my friends and family, you'd probably ask me if I plan to find out the sex of the child....and I'd tell you that I am for the sake of my mother and that we "should" find out at the ultrasound on Wednesday.

....I'd probably end coffee by asking you if you have plans for the upcoming holidays (if you celebrate them) and reflecting upon how ready I am for what can be the coziness and comfort of the season, that I'm looking forward to getting a tree, and planning on just doing donations to organizations for some of my family and gift cards for the teens/kiddos. I'm looking forward to family time, good nutritious food during this upcoming week, and lots of time to hone in on the blessings and gratitudes that are present.

Then I'd give you a big hug and let you know how fabulous it was to see you & catch up....and how much I appreciate you in my life as a valuable person and/or friend before wishing you well for the week ahead!

It Truly Is a NEW Chapter

.....because........yea, I came back from my travels this summer and realized I was unexpectedly carrying a child. In truth, I found out in Dublin before flying home....and then retested a few days later. In the months between then and now, it's pretty apparent that this unexpected child is growing, active, and as far as I can discern, s/he is pretty healthy. I won't blast this post with ultrasound photos, but the lil one on the screen was a mover and a shaker the day we saw him/her.

SO....this news....definitely heads life in a new direction. A very unexpected direction. A direction I'm still processing, accepting, and trying my best to plan for a positive next few years ahead for my offspring and I. What I am MOST grateful for is the incredible support that my friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances have offered over the last several weeks/months. Even as a going to be newly minted single mom, I have received SO MUCH love, encouragement, and excitement from all of those in my life. I am in awe every day at just how blessed I am by the social circle that envelopes my life. For the second time (and definitely not the last) they have lifted me up, accepted my choices, and loved me (and now my child) fully. We are.so.lucky.

In truth, I was on track to bust out my mileage for the year, I was scheduled to lead a team of students to Argentina this winter, I was amped up to work on my other goals, and I had calculated out that by working my rear off for the next 3.5 years in both jobs I could FULLY have myself out of debt (and in essence would be free to do whatever I wanted for the future). And then....I got pregnant....and well, that sort of changes plans....and finances....and the body....and well, everything.

In truth #2, I've never wanted a biological child. Knowing several individuals who have struggled with infertility, I feel guilty saying that, but I've rarely felt that internal pull to reproduce. I always have had a heart and a calling toward adoption, and I just assumed if I ever chose to have kids that I would in fact adopt. After becoming pregnant and going through the last several weeks of non-stop nausea, exhaustion, food aversions, irritability, and just recognizing that my body is no longer just mine, I can safely say that I would not choose to do this again. While I could forsee myself having additional children now that I will have one, I again would prefer to have additional kids via adoption. There are also other uh, environmental and human rights issues for this choice as well....

Truth #3, through being pregnant I do feel that my empathy has drastically increased. My heart goes out for those who want to be a parent and are struggling to do so, my heart breaks for those who get pregnant and choose adoption or abortion, and I feel like I owe my mother and all mothers the moon for choosing (or not choosing but going through with) so many pregnancies and all the symptoms that come along with it. I've truthfully also used this experience as an empathy producer for some of my students.....as we've had long discussions about the cultural framing and expectation of pregnancy vs how the individual may truly be processing/experiencing the life changing event.

Truth #4, my dear mother is my biggest cheerleader. I didn't expect her to be so on board, so full of her usual unconditional love for some reason, but she is....and it brings tears to my eyes just to recognize over and over again how absolutely blessed I am by my parents. While my father is still processing and accepting the news himself, he's my biggest caretaker. For three weekends he had me come stay with them during the worst of the nausea so I could rest, he could cook whatever I was willing to eat, and he could take care of my dogs. He's also been up twice to fix small things around my house. My mother has gone over and above in all ways. She required that I have an ultrasound so she could check in on her grandbaby and she's literally already purchased a ton. I already have more baby clothes than I'll know what to do with, a pack & play, a breast pump, a cosleeper, a carseat, and all the glass bottles I'll need. Add on to that numerous maternity shirts, work pants, dresses, etc and a variety of burp rags & other items she's been making. The majority of the items are used & thrifted which makes my little heart quite happy for many reasons that I'll get into later, and my mom is a champion thrifter. It's also been so incredibly helpful because....it's less things that I have to think about, worry about, stress over, etc. But truthfully the support my parents have given thus far just leaves me astounded.

Truth #5, I never expected for this to become a blog about my having a child, but in many ways it probably will become that.....although that child is only further fueling my rekindling passion for all things environmental health & advocacy, because s/he is destined to grow up in a world that is hampered with much that is going astray. BUT more on some of that later.

For now, let's leave on truth #6, although this is a new future with many pieces I'm still going to have to smoosh together, I can't help but have hope for the future, hope for whatever this child and I are heading toward, hope for restoration in many other ways, hope for whatever I can teach and pass on in the years to come, and hope for health, happiness, and fullness in the moments ahead....

While I'm still processing, accepting, & planning, here's to the future for the child and I to come....