The Final Tri....And He Arrived!

We're now four months post-partum and I just felt the strongest pull to get back into blogging, however finding any time to do so is an absolute challenge of its own of course.

However let's recap....back to the days when I felt exhausted...just in a different way :)

The second trimester was fairly pleasant all things considered and I even felt fairly decent a large portion of the final trimester too. The most challenging aspect of the final trimester was that my body didn't hold up quite the way I'd hoped. By month 7, my pelvic muscles would start to "lock down" if I walked over a mile and my SI joint ached after almost any yoga, so months 8-9 contained almost no physical activity. In the final 1.5 months heartburn also caught up with me to the point of interrupting sleep some nights. While these were two aspects that definitely were not fun to deal with, I will forever be grateful that my sleep was never super negatively impacted during pregnancy. In fact, during the final weeks, I spent a LOT of time sleeping. I also never had much issue with swelling nor any issues with muscle cramps, which I still attribute to the epsom salt baths.

I think it was around 28 weeks that I finally realized that the medical group I'd been going to most definitely did not align with my desires and values, thus I actually marched out of a required group visit over a dispute on C-section rates and at that point started looking for a new provider. At 30 weeks, I'd discovered a naturopathic delivery center but after reading shaky financial reviews and having a negative response time from their billing department, I decided to keep looking. I finally discovered another midwifery option with good reviews and had my consultation with the woman who became my midwife at 32 weeks.

At 36 weeks, I was praying that lil man would stay put as I still needed to get my students through their final projects. At 38 weeks and after passing the mucus plug, I let the midwife initially check me before driving  the hour down to my parents house for a potentially final good-bye visit with my granny who was being put on hospice. At that visit I was told that my body had enough signs that he could start to arrive at anytime. Since I still needed to grade 20 group papers and get winter term grades in, I was praying all that week and the next while being super stressed out about an earlier arrival than what would work best with my schedule. Thankfully he stayed put....and then he stayed put....and stayed put. Ha! At 40 weeks, my body still showed signs that anytime could be go time and I had researched average gestational periods for biracial babies. At 41 weeks, I was required to have a follow-up ultrasound to make sure all was still okay in there for him to be able to keep going, but post-ultrasound I elected to a) have my membranes stripped and b) to schedule an induction. I wanted to give him time to come on his own post-stripping of the membranes, so I elected to schedule for when the midwife would be on-call about four days away. While I had some contractions that night, no labor started.

The next day my mom (who was staying with me that week just in case) and I drove the hour or so to the Woodburn Tulip Festival to try to distract away my frustration. While the trip didn't get him to arrive, it was an absolutely beautiful day!

We ended the day with yummy fajitas at a nearby Mexican restaurant. That night I had one of the most uncomfortable ones of the entire pregnancy (which I've reflected upon this many times in the months since for reasons I'll share later). I couldn't sleep at all and it felt like he was just wanting to crawl out of his own skin in there. He couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't get comfortable, no sleep was happening, my anxiety was up, and I was wishing I would have scheduled the induction earlier.

I don't remember much about Saturday, but it was during a deep sleep that night that I was awakened about 330am by the dogs wanting to go out. When I went to the bathroom I felt extremely nauseous and couldn't stop shaking. About 45 minutes after that I woke my mom up to keep me company because I felt so weird...and after laying in my king sized bed with me for 15 -20 minutes she decided that I was in labor and that we should go to the hospital. A little after 5am we were on the way to the hospital and my contractions were six minutes apart. I was checked in around 6am and then labored for several hours in the shower before eventually transitioning to the hospital bed.

Ironically we had gone into labor the morning of the induction :) Little guy arrived on his own time and I truly can't complain about my L&D experience. They followed my desired birth plan to a T and my L&D nurse was truly remarkable. I labored naturally the majority of the time until I finally decided about 2.5 hours prior to delivery that I "didn't need to be anyone's hero" so I asked for some initial level pain relief.

The biggest things I remember from L&D: I wanted complete silence during contractions (and ironically both my mom and sister are super chatty but soon respected my wishes), I worked through contractions in the same way that I work through running by either zoning out or repeating mantras in my head, I counted down the final 10 minutes until they could administer the next pain meds for the 5 rounds that I received them, I vomited on three occasions until I decided they could give me the anti-nausea meds after all since I went with the pain meds, I wanted to push before I was officially ready and in the end they gave me the green light ahead of time to move the baby down anyway (he never "fully engaged"), pushing felt way different than I could have ever expected, labor felt way different than I could have ever expected, my biggest pain was the muscle cramps that happened in my quads & glutes which are always my problem areas, and I'll never forget not even realizing he was out and following the instructions to look down....and discovering my little man laying on my chest :)

I truly lucked out....my sister was an incredible labor support, we were immensely blessed by my L&D nurse, my labor was 8ish hours and I pushed for 10-20 minutes, baby boy was healthy at 8lbs, 2oz and 22 inches long. All very good things indeed!

What I don't remember? Apparently yelling that I never needed to have sex again. Haha!

What advice would I give for the hospital delivery?

Bring Chapstick. I'd read online to take chapstick...and it's a must have!

Best things to labor in? A tankini for the shower and a short tank dress/beach cover-up for the bed.
A nursing tank and a pair of shorts were all I needed until I went home.

Truly there wasn't much we needed in the hospital. An outfit to labor in, the items to lounge in, a weather appropriate going home outfit for me and him. Toiletries to shower and that's it. Granted we only stayed one night and I tend to be super minimalist about that type of stuff, but we way overpacked for both him and I.

When they offer you the granny hospital panties, ice pads, tucks, and water spritzing bottle...use and take all of it! :)

Write out your birth plan. That's sort of a given, but it was great to have it read by my mother, my sister, and photocopied into my medical chart.

Always remember you are your own best health advocate. Granted you need a team to help you but advocate for what you want. I wanted to go home early and I stated that as soon as it was apparent that we both were a-ok. From the moment we were wheeled downstairs, the entire team knew we were working toward an early release. (Interestingly in checking the numbers later, only staying one night also probably saved me another $1000 or more....)

Write a thank-you and take flowers to any awesome providers. We made our L&D nurse cry in return, but we couldn't have had a more incredible support than through her being a part of our team.

When they offer you as much food as you want for free? Order and eat all of it. There are so many calories to replenish! Also order as you for whoever spends that first night with you! I ate a TON and drank a total of about ten juices to help replenish lost electrolytes.

I'm hopeful to recap some other helpful pieces in future posts as I start getting back into blogging (hopefully), but the reality is each birth story is a unique one! As much as I love my baby, I'm truly hopeful that was the only birth story I'll ever share-ha.

These first few months have been rough and beautiful in their own right...but those stories are still to come too...... :)

Pregnancy Helpful Items

While I don't intend to get pregnant again, but hey who knows....I thought it would be helpful to list out some of the things that have been helpful during the transition from 1st trimester into finally feeling better the second half of the second trimester. This week marks the end of the second trimester, so I'm hopeful that keeping up with some of these will help some of the discomforts of the third trimester.

Being that I work in a natural medicine environment and have been a long term believer of a more natural approach to health care, most of what I read tended to veer more toward midwifery and nutrition. I was really interested in knowing what exactly to feed the bump, especially since he didn't seem to want any part of a prenatal (even at 20 weeks). Some of the books below contradict each other but I appreciate that and thus could form my own opinions.

Pregnancy Related books I've been reading:
1) Ina May Gaskin's: Guide to Childbirth: Ina May is the guru of common-day midwifery in the US. The first half of this book is personal stories (I skipped 75% of them....) but the second half is the informative stuff.
2) The Nourishing Tradition's Book to Baby & Childcare: Some of the advice in here is contraversial but I also appreciated reading from this viewpoint. Some of the stuff that I did implement: Cod liver oil is contraversial but I added it into my diet in variation, added the occasional liver, am eating regular organic chicken now that the kid tolerates some meat, and added eggs in as possible.
3) The Whole 9 Months: Week by Week Guide to Pregnancy Nutrition: In contrast to the above nutrition wisdom, this book is entirely vegetarian focused and gave some insight into what to focus on for each month. Truthfully I was a little disappointed in this book, but I have used it as a resource somewhat.
4) Nourished Beginnings: Baby Food: This book I love even though it's super simple! It's a helpful resource to know what to feed the lil guy once he arrives.
5) Sanda Steingraber's Having Faith: I don't advocate pregnant mamas reading this. I advocate for women to read this before becoming pregnant. For me it was a helpful reread to remember environmental toxicity concerns, take steps to reduce what I could, and also be immersed more in the development of the fetus. I also read her follow-up Raising Elijah about raising kids in a toxic world.

Getting back into working out has been truly wonderful. It's been good for my mental health, at times even makes me feel like I'm not pregnant, has decreased joint and low-back issues, and (they say) is great preparation for labor & delivery, while also having the potential to ease recovery from L&D. I had grand notions of being able to continue running if I ever did get pregnant.....but I quickly discovered that beyond the occasional jaunt, my body has craved & benefited more from other options.

Pregnancy Work-outs I've been enjoying:
1) Regular (but shorter) snowy hikes from my favorite trail head---much shorter and less inclines these days, but it feels SO great to get this body back on trail!
2) 2-3x a week 1.5 mile evening loop walk with the dogs--my bladder struggles to make it the whole 1.5 miles (otherwise we would probably go farther)
3) Tonic's Prenatal Pregnancy Yoga on youtube-- I seriously have loved the 2nd tri vinyasa and strength & stability work-outs. They include strength building, stretching, & pelvic floor exercises. I did find that the energizing flow irritated my SI joint however so I've stayed away from that one.
4) Slow & modified Pure Cardio Insanity work-out--This has been a recent add-in but I realized that if I just modified some moves (no jumping, knee push-ups, wider stances) and slowed down that this was still manageable.

Based on all the books I read and the nutritional environment I work in, it was important to me to research and figure out what to feed the lil guy to try to make sure he is/was getting everything he needs for different developmental milestones. While I started reading & researching later in the game (16-18 weeks), I'm still glad to be able to incorporate more foods and items that are beneficial for him. A lot of this was already in my diet, but I just try to be more mindful of ensuring that I'm getting it as regularly as he needs it. I've also tried really hard to ensure that I'm selecting more organic items: meats, produce, dairy, etc. That being said....I still have the occasional DQ blizzard, ate a pan of homemade cinnamon rolls over break, and eat all the cookies friends & family gift upon me. :)

Foods I've been eating:
Lots of kale & leafy greens, salad w various veggies
Roasted root veggies (turnips, sweet potatoes, carrots, parsnips, squash)
Organic baked chicken, occasional beef or liver
Homemade soups & stews (beef barley, potato & leek, Mexican chicken)
Frittatas from fridge left overs
Smoothies w banana, blueberry, avocado, spinach
Plain yogurt w home-canned fruits, museli, cinnamon, chia
Other probiotics: kefir, sauerkraut, oral tablets, kombucha on occasion
Snacks: lots of fruit & dried fruits

There are so many other items and things that have been beneficial along the way. When I read the typical "symptom" lists and remember conversations with a few of my other friends, I feel very fortunate that while weeks 8-16 were rough, the weeks since then have been much more enjoyable and with limited symptoms.

I do have occasional bloating (and the gas!) or weird stomach sensations, which I tend to "treat" by eating extra sauerkraut, drinking the occasional kombucha or just letting it pass. This last week I also had a "sick day" where I got hit by the start of a UTI and a cold on the same day. I spent most the day in bed except for a quick trip to the store for pre-made soup & cranberry juice. For the regular cold, it just took lots of fluids, soup, cold season tea, & napping for it to pass. UTIs are pretty common in the 2nd trimester (and in me in particular) and I'm still somewhat attempting to self-treat this sucker (although they did run a sample on Friday). The main things that have helped: D-Mannose & Cranberry extract (read the label to ensure it's ok), TONS of water, pure cranberry juice mixed with kefir, oral probiotic pills, limited sugar intake, and I took a homeopathic remedy for 2-3 days also.

Symptoms I've been able to avoid so far (knock on wood!): heartburn, leg cramps (I like to think the epsom salt baths, foam rolling, & yoga are helping here), and swelling (again, perhaps the epsom salt baths? and just lots of water and regular work-outs).

I also would mention that at the beginning of 2nd tri my boobs got HUGE. As I've increased work-outs, they've reduced slightly, but I know that once my milk comes in post delivery, they'll increase even more. What has been interesting is that since about 18-22 weeks, I've already had some of the initial milk production. I do tend to notice that in the weeks when I get a lot of healthy nutrition, take the occasional cod liver oil, and also drink some pregnancy tea, the production of this tends to be more...things to keep in mind as I attempt breast feeding post-delivery.

Things I swear by:
Pregnancy leggings & comfy socks
Pregnancy tea
Coconut oil for lotion
Continued foam rolling for low-back & quad discomfort
Weekly epsom salt baths
Water, water, and more water
Natural home remedies (herbal teas, cranberry, homeopathics)
Continued alternative practitioner treatments
Probiotics

So far I've been able to continue sleeping in my regular pre-pregnancy position and I'm hopeful that somehow this will keep working out as my mid-section gets larger. During the last few weeks (maybe 25 on?), I've been waking up several times a night to pee & yet chug more water, but at least a few times a week I also wake up and just lay there for a 1-2 hours before being able to fall back asleep. I also would say that the amount of weird dreams continues. While weird dreams are a regular in my life, they have come more regularly with the pregnancy.

One other thing I guess I would mention is that after reading Ina May's book, I took a list of questions into my provider. My insurance does a better job of covering standard medical care, so while I'm working with a midwife, she operates in a Western medical model and I'll deliver in a hospital. One of the items I did not want to have to do was the gestational diabetes test, as drinking the mandatory glucose beverage did not sound appealing and was sure to set the kid off (who seriously tends to do best with real whole foods). In reality there is a blood test that can measure levels, but I was able to negotiate using a standard blood sugar finger prick test to check levels. While her requirement was a little excessive (4 pricks per day for 7 days: pre breakfast, 2 hrs post breakfast, 2 hrs post lunch, & 2 rs post dinner), it did actually provide some really valuable insight for me nutritionally. (I tracked food intake, blood sugar readings, & work-outs just to get a better picture for myself.) The good news is that I'm not diabetic.......and my body loves and absolutely needs carbs. My readings were much better when carbs were included in meals than when it was a protein based meal....so bring on all that carb goodness in the world! :)

The other questions I'd asked her were well-answered but I am a little nervous about L&D, especially in a standard hospital environment. I've asked my sister to be in the delivery room with my mom and I and I have a list of strategies to try for a natural delivery that I think will help me....but I also recognize that the best made plans & intentions don't always work out that way.....so we'll see what happens! For now, let's just hope the kid stays in there growing & developing for the next 10-12 weeks.....and so I can make sure to get through this term of work also! :)

2016: The Year

While there are still several weeks til the official end of this year, I've been itching for this year to be at an end since oh about February. Throughout the year I had several conversations with friends who felt the same way about this year just sort of having lots of weird pieces to it.

But as I sit here on my couch, the Christmas tree all aglow, snow falling outside, it seems like a perfect time to review the last 11.5 months. As of today I should be done with my work needs for the year, but due to the funny weather (also a theme of the year: heat wave in April, cooler summer, early snow in Dec) I have yet to wrap things up....and that's okay. It'll all get done...and that is also a theme of this year....patience, understanding, time, & continued grace.

My actual goals for this year were:
850 hiking & running miles
Acupuncture at least once a month
Work on my fear of horses
Pay off credit card & car loan
Take GRE & apply to PhD programs
Work on Spanish tenses
Start 3rd language
Travel: new in & out of country
Kayak camping trip
Run a race in another state
Save $$ & work on student loans

What actually came to be:

Finances & Future: Thanks to working two jobs this year, the car just got paid off, the credit card got paid off, my student loan continued to be worked on, I was solely financially independent for the first time in years (no renters), and I paid for several unexpected car repairs, vet bills, & 3 travel outings. I also met with two local PhD programs, researched many others, decided not to take the GRE, and finally ended up applying for one local program.

Language: I learned more Swahili this summer and continued to utilize my Spanish, but not to the degree I had hoped. But still better than nothing...and both of these hopefully will increase as I plan to expose the kid to both languages.

Mileage: As of July's travels, I was on track to make my mileage goal but got derailed by the nausea & continual exhaustion of the pregnancy. By the end of September, I probably had 600 miles on the year....and if I was still tracking would probably end the year around 650. I also did not run a race in another state (and while I still could probably sneak one in, I'm okay with this), I did train for & run a half-marathon in July and I did go on jogs/hikes in 3 other countries & 3-4 other states. Good enough :)

Health: Beyond the "set backs" of pregnancy, I had chronic bronchitis again this last winter/spring and a running injury that set in during the half. I took most of the spring to bring my body back up to nutritional par and left the country this summer feeling the best I had in months (minus the knee). I had one acupuncture session in Tanzania, several massages, and I've had routine chiropractic care this fall. I also had all my regular exams finally caught back up this year....and of course now I'm routinely monitored monthly with the pregnancy.

Travels: This is where in hindsight I had the biggest outcomes and I crossed several items off the life goal list. In April, I went to a work conference on the east coast and spent an additional week exploring DC with a friend, road tripping through Vermont/New Hampshire/Maine, and finally meeting fellow blogger Heather. I managed 2 trips to Central Oregon: one in April to camp at my favorite spot with the dogs and one this fall in which I solo hiked a trail that's been on my list for years. In June, I took the dogs on a "last hurray before working full time" backpacking outing to the Wallowas in Eastern Oregon and also visited some of my family over there. In July, we took 16 students and three of us faculty to Tanzania for work. On my way back from that trip I spent a weekend visiting my host sister in Munich and then explored Ireland for a week. In September, two of my gals and I had a great weekend revisiting New Orleans and seeing a lot of the sites I hadn't been able to see previously. In reality, this week I was to be back in Argentina with students, but due to concerns of the controversial Zika that was scratched.

Socially: This was the year that I reconnected with several more old friends and I also feel like I've been able to settle into my extensive friendship network a bit more. I finally made time to reconnect with 2 separate high school buddies who used to be like family, visited with an old military spouse friend in DC, finally met Heather in Maine, hosted a 20+ friend dinner in April, hosted some of my oldest friends this summer, reconnected with an old high school and an old college friend this fall, visited family members I hadn't seen in years, met friends kids I had yet to meet in over a year, fished twice with an old buddy, finally managed a girls getaway weekend trip, and this coming week I'll host an old military contact I haven't seen since we lived in Louisiana. Some of my current relationships have changed but truthfully this is the first time in a long time that I have felt settled into the wonderful and insane amount of great connections that I am blessed to have...and I'm so grateful those connections just keep growing!

Transitions: Obviously the two biggest transitions of the year are that a) I switched over to full-time rather than adjunct positions and b) I became pregnant. Both have switched life over in big  ways and will continue to do so. The work transition came at a good time but has been an adjustment....and may adjust back for the next academic year. The pregnancy has been life altering but is probably more of a positive adjustment than I've yet to realize...it's heading life in some more solid directions for sure.

I also learned several important lessons this year. I learned to be even more independent than I was before, I let several relationships naturally transition, I learned to not attempt to control life as much as I want in the big things (but that sometimes it's ok to control the little things), I learned that things can be scary but we have to keep moving forward, I learned that every aspect of life is its own season, and I learned that sometimes what you expect to be fabulous just isn't. I had several moments of apprehension, several moments of joy, several moments of fear, several moments of unease and frustration, several cry fests, several moments of strength, and lots of moments of compassion. This was the year that I reconnected to life vision, re-examined (again) what's important, relished the people in my life, and realized that after all my searching Oregon truly is home. This was a year where while I actively made lots happen, in many ways I felt more like an observer in my own life, watching the scenes unfold and watching others reactions. This was also the year where I felt like my teaching created some life impacting change and that is something I'm relishing but still processing.

Much is on the radar for 2017 and while I'm nervous about some of those changes, I'm attempting to remain as trusting as possible that they will turn out okay. And even with as apprehensive as I am for this next year, I'm still absolutely ready for this year of 2016 to close :)

And for the first time in years, I don't know that I intend to really have many goals for this next year beyond: adjusting to being a mom, attempting to physically normalize as next year progresses, and making sure that my/our financial & health needs are taken care of. If I get into the PhD program then there will be some changes for sure. If I don't, well there will still be changes and decisions on the horizon. There's also a potential trip to Colorado for my nephew's high school graduation on the docket....and I'm daydreaming of actually being able to afford one more dream trip sometime next year or at least a road trip with the kiddo....but we'll see. All of next year is about being flexible while attempting to make the best decisions possible for the future.

But here's to what hopefully will be a safe, happy, healthy, stabilizing end to 2016 for all of us....and to a fulfilling, healthy, happy, safe, rewarding, and grounding 2017 ahead!

Legacy

As this fall term comes to a conclusion, our students in the health course at the community college are asked to view Randy Pausch's Last Lecture and to reflect upon what it means to leave a legacy.

In thinking about a legacy, how exactly might we define it? Well according to that good old Merriam-Webster internet dictionary, the term LEGACY can be defined as:

1. a gift by will especially of money or other personal property: bequest 
2. something transmitted or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past; ex. the legacy of the ancient philosophers 

This notion of legacy, purpose, future is one that has been on my mind much of the time lately, albeit unconsciously at times. 

In the weeks after the results of the election, many have voiced the need and concern to ACTIVELY engage in citizenship in order to create change. This is in fact, something I voiced in my post reflecting upon the outcome of the election, as my concerns for the state of our environment, my concerns for our human relationships, and my concerns for our own health statuses leaves me incredibly anxious regarding the future that our planet and any future generations are headed in. Ironically, while I have always "worked on" these issues, there is of course something about becoming pregnant that makes it all much more personal AND leaves me more concerned about the personal legacy and thus example I am leaving upon this planet and for my child. 

Equally ironically, while all of my friends have been supportive about my pregnancy, there were several who in the very beginning upon hearing the news, mentioned that the pregnancy might be just the thing I actually needed to further light a fire and provide a bit more purpose for the future direction of my life. From what I'm seeing, their words were probably fairly foretelling..... While the last few years were full of wonderful learning experiences between sharing housing with various souls, training myself to engage in endurance athletics, refinding my foundation, making great headway on financial pay-offs, and exploring new parts of the United States and the world, I was frequently unsure of just what that next step should be and in what direction I should move toward.

NOW however there is more purpose in sight. This life is not about (and truthfully never was) about just me, but sometimes it's been exhausting to think about how to best utilize granted gifts. There is this great quote that has been on my mind for years and that has been based in this same notion:

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and I could say, "I used everything that you gave me." - Erma Bombeck

Heading toward motherhood reminds me that I'm going to be exhausted anyway....so I might as well utilize that exhaustion well and teach my son how to leave a positive impact on the various people and environments he comes across. 

I also have been reading MANY books lately, but one that I just reread was Jane Goodall's Reason for Hope. Goodall is someone who I find to be truly inspiring. She is someone who sees the world as I see it, who accomplished much through relationships, and who lives her life with pure authenticity. She has left a phenomenal legacy upon many individuals, organizations, and animals....and upon this earth. 

The same could be said for MLK, Rosa Parks, Gandhi, and many of the inspiring individuals we learned in our school systems who gave their lives in big and small ways for peace, human rights, & equality. The same could be said for Catherine Hamlin who gave up her safe upbringing to fill a health need in rural Africa, for Paul Farmer who has saved the lives of many through his medical career here in the US while developing and leading Partners in Health to save the lives of many throughout the world, for Margaret Mead who changed the lives of many "underdeserving" and raised awareness of social justice. 

And the same could be said for many of the individuals who we interact with on a daily basis:

For example, the various individuals I've interacted with over the years has been forefront on my mind as I have toyed with many, many potential names for my child. Bestowing a name upon a child is a much more challenging decision than I ever would have imagined (even though prior to this I was so good at coming up with all sorts of great ideas for others!), and in essence is almost like bestowing a legacy upon your child. While the name I have selected is still in flux dependent upon the child's personality and how he appears at birth, it is a name that bestows great honor and legacy upon him. As I thought about who I hope that my child will be, I consistently was drawn to three of the males in my life who I hold most dear and respect highly for their hearts, their wisdom, how they have treated others, their selflessness, their family oriented tendencies, and their work ethic. Although I will only use two of these names in theory, I hope that my child naturally displays the tendencies and traits of all three of these incredible men.  All three of these men left legacies on my own life and I in turn want to share that gift with my son so that through his own life he may be able to share those legacies with the world in his own way. 

Another example is that the longer I am in academia, the more I reflect upon the incredible instructors and experiences I was fortunate to have over the years. I can still vividly remember many of the life-impacting experiences and lessons from my undergraduate, graduate, and even high school education. Every term as a professor, I try to channel their wisdom and knowledge, as I develop and re-develop my courses in an effort to leave similar lessons and to create similar experiences for my own students. Some terms this seems more successful than others....such as this one when it has been an absolute joy to read some of the reflections my graduate students have produced and to learn of how much the material has impacted their lives, perceptions, and potentially their future work. If I am at all fortunate to leave even a small piece of a legacy through the facilitating of knowledge, I will feel that it has been worth it. 

It is also this desire to create a positive legacy that has pushed me to apply for a PhD program so I can further my academic reach and try to get my foot back in the door with research; that has me re-educating myself on so many topics and switching toward utilizing my purchasing power in ways that better support the ideals I believe in; that has me contacting legislators on issues of importance to me and researching ways to further share my voice on these topics; that has me deciding which volunteer options I will be engaging with in the coming years, which committees and conferences to attend & participate with; which organizations to send additional money; and that has me focused on the daily decisions I make to review ways to further improve my choices. I also in the last few weeks honed in on the end goal  of the "next step" and this visualization has helped me move forward with many of the actions, research, and choices I've made in the weeks since then. It's also helping me to blend all of my hopes and dreams into one. And even though I can see how and where it could all come together I'm still remembering to abide by two of my most favorite life quotes: 

"Make plans....but make them in pencil." --Unknown 

and

"Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst." --Unknown (although attributed to several in various forms)

Because even our best made plans frequently have unforseen circumstances and life sometimes has other plans for us. I might not ever get a PhD and that's ok. I might not ever own property...and somehow that's ok. I might not ever fully get out of debt....and that's ok. I might change directions fully based on the circumstances that life offers and the skills it asks for me to share....and that's ok. What's of importance is that I live as close to my values as possible and that I try to leave this world a better place for the planet and for the future generations that may have the opportunity (and the challenge) to live upon it. I want to be more a part of the solution than a part of the problem.

But I'm always interested....what's the legacy you are living and/or hoping to leave behind??