.....because........yea, I came back from my travels this summer and realized I was unexpectedly carrying a child. In truth, I found out in Dublin before flying home....and then retested a few days later. In the months between then and now, it's pretty apparent that this unexpected child is growing, active, and as far as I can discern, s/he is pretty healthy. I won't blast this post with ultrasound photos, but the lil one on the screen was a mover and a shaker the day we saw him/her.
SO....this news....definitely heads life in a new direction. A very unexpected direction. A direction I'm still processing, accepting, and trying my best to plan for a positive next few years ahead for my offspring and I. What I am MOST grateful for is the incredible support that my friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances have offered over the last several weeks/months. Even as a going to be newly minted single mom, I have received SO MUCH love, encouragement, and excitement from all of those in my life. I am in awe every day at just how blessed I am by the social circle that envelopes my life. For the second time (and definitely not the last) they have lifted me up, accepted my choices, and loved me (and now my child) fully. We are.so.lucky.
In truth, I was on track to bust out my mileage for the year, I was scheduled to lead a team of students to Argentina this winter, I was amped up to work on my other goals, and I had calculated out that by working my rear off for the next 3.5 years in both jobs I could FULLY have myself out of debt (and in essence would be free to do whatever I wanted for the future). And then....I got pregnant....and well, that sort of changes plans....and finances....and the body....and well, everything.
In truth #2, I've never wanted a biological child. Knowing several individuals who have struggled with infertility, I feel guilty saying that, but I've rarely felt that internal pull to reproduce. I always have had a heart and a calling toward adoption, and I just assumed if I ever chose to have kids that I would in fact adopt. After becoming pregnant and going through the last several weeks of non-stop nausea, exhaustion, food aversions, irritability, and just recognizing that my body is no longer just mine, I can safely say that I would not choose to do this again. While I could forsee myself having additional children now that I will have one, I again would prefer to have additional kids via adoption. There are also other uh, environmental and human rights issues for this choice as well....
Truth #3, through being pregnant I do feel that my empathy has drastically increased. My heart goes out for those who want to be a parent and are struggling to do so, my heart breaks for those who get pregnant and choose adoption or abortion, and I feel like I owe my mother and all mothers the moon for choosing (or not choosing but going through with) so many pregnancies and all the symptoms that come along with it. I've truthfully also used this experience as an empathy producer for some of my students.....as we've had long discussions about the cultural framing and expectation of pregnancy vs how the individual may truly be processing/experiencing the life changing event.
Truth #4, my dear mother is my biggest cheerleader. I didn't expect her to be so on board, so full of her usual unconditional love for some reason, but she is....and it brings tears to my eyes just to recognize over and over again how absolutely blessed I am by my parents. While my father is still processing and accepting the news himself, he's my biggest caretaker. For three weekends he had me come stay with them during the worst of the nausea so I could rest, he could cook whatever I was willing to eat, and he could take care of my dogs. He's also been up twice to fix small things around my house. My mother has gone over and above in all ways. She required that I have an ultrasound so she could check in on her grandbaby and she's literally already purchased a ton. I already have more baby clothes than I'll know what to do with, a pack & play, a breast pump, a cosleeper, a carseat, and all the glass bottles I'll need. Add on to that numerous maternity shirts, work pants, dresses, etc and a variety of burp rags & other items she's been making. The majority of the items are used & thrifted which makes my little heart quite happy for many reasons that I'll get into later, and my mom is a champion thrifter. It's also been so incredibly helpful because....it's less things that I have to think about, worry about, stress over, etc. But truthfully the support my parents have given thus far just leaves me astounded.
Truth #5, I never expected for this to become a blog about my having a child, but in many ways it probably will become that.....although that child is only further fueling my rekindling passion for all things environmental health & advocacy, because s/he is destined to grow up in a world that is hampered with much that is going astray. BUT more on some of that later.
For now, let's leave on truth #6, although this is a new future with many pieces I'm still going to have to smoosh together, I can't help but have hope for the future, hope for whatever this child and I are heading toward, hope for restoration in many other ways, hope for whatever I can teach and pass on in the years to come, and hope for health, happiness, and fullness in the moments ahead....
While I'm still processing, accepting, & planning, here's to the future for the child and I to come....
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